So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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