I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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