I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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