You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
