K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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