Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize