How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You are a genius and a whore.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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