Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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