i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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