You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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