You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
