Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
