thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
