she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
being pregnant is like rehab
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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