TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
