I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
