I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
