i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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