If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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