This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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