I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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