Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
