I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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