Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
