just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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