Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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