then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
