My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
