Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
