Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
