mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
