I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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