got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
