Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
