Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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