Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
