listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
