She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
