Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
