A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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