He asked to "fluff my boner.."
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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