I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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