so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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