Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
