Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
