Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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