Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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