what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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