i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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