if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
