hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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