I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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