Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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