he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Pants are for mortals
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
