I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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