What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
