The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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