I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
