I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
