I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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