i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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