The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
