So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
