dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
