hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
